Understanding An Ex’s Motives

Original Post by Chad

Definition of Motive:

An emotion, desire, physiological need, or similar impulse that acts as an incitement to action. A mental state or force which induces an act of volition; a determining impulse: specifically, a desire for something; a gratification contemplated as the final cause of a certain action of the one desiring it.

Humans are emotional creatures and, therefore, act out of emotions not logic. This is even more true for the female sex.

To affirm the above statement I will give three situations where I ran into my most recent ex over the last month.

(1) The classy bar run-in: I was enjoying a vesper at one of my favorite bars in town while waiting on a friend to join me. While waiting, the bartenders informed me that my ex was continually peaking into the big windows out front the restaurant. Instead of entering right away, she took time to decide her next move. She proceeds to enter the bar with two beta males that she likes to keep around for attention and validation. She sits within 10 feet of me at the bar, making sure she is noticed by everyone in vicinity to downtown. Me, Chad, recognizes we have three routes to go here:

(a) Say hello and let her know I noticed her – giving her a small emotional victory (beta)

(b) Leave the bar, therefore giving her a small emotional victory (beta)

(c) Remain indifferent, act as if she is not even there (alpha)

I chose the indifference route. I never once looked over at her or let her see that I even noticed her. My friend came and met me a few minutes after and we enjoyed an hour at the bar together. Once we left, I was later informed my ex left the bar 5 minutes after we did. They also stated she was louder and more touchy with those two guys than she ever was prior.

As a female, she was wanting an emotional reaction out of me and wanted to be noticed and show that she is desirable to other men.

(2) The dive bar run-in: I was out with a few friends bar hopping. We walk into a dive bar and, poof, my ex was there sitting with one of the same beta males as the other week. (Pawn #1 in this story)

My ex notices me because my friends say she keeps looking over. I proceed with the indifference route. She then proceeds to say hello to my friend. Then a 5th friend of a friend of ours joins us at a table we got at the bar. My ex proceeds to walk over and start talking to this guy and pull him away for 30 minutes without saying hello to me or acknowledging me. (This acquaintance of mine did go out on a date with my ex but profusely apologized to me after the fact) Respect for apologizing once but the multiple times is beta. It would be different if he was a close friend and this happened in a short time period thereafter.

After he gets back to our table he says “That is the first time she has talked to me in months and I felt used and like a pawn the whole time” He should have exited the conversation much sooner. (Pawn #2)

We remain at the bar. My ex goes back to Pawn #1 until she finds her next victim to use as jealously bait. She escalated and grabs another guy, get more touchy and does it right in front of me while going to a corner of the bar. (Pawn #3)

Most men would have giving the ex an emotional reaction and she would have won – you have to realize that she was doing all the above to be noticed and get your attention. The one thing you must not do in this scenario is give it.

This is why she has continued to escalate in front of and around me when we run into each other. At the end of the day, when you look through the big picture she still has strong feelings and those guys mean nothing in comparison to the emotional leverage I still have with her. Otherwise, she would have not blatantly done that in front of me and would have just enjoyed time with one person.